Baby Boy Lee

At 17 weeks pregnant we went in for an ultrasound and found out we were having another boy. We were excited. With three boys in a row there would be a lot of wrestling, eating and sports going on. 

At 21 weeks, we headed to the hospital to have the anatomy scan ultrasound where they check the size of the baby's organs, see how big he is, etc...

 Before we found out we were expecting I had overheard some ladies in my ward talking about a new midwife that was coming to work in Dr. Ferguson's office here in town. I went over and asked some questions about her. They only had good things to say about Annie Overson. She had been a Labor and Delivery nurse for 15 years and was just finishing up her doctorate. She is now a Women'ts Health Nurse Practitioner and Certified Nurse-Midwife. Once we got the big positive on our pregnancy test, I instantly thought that we should give Annie a try. I called up Dr. Ferguson's office and sadly she hadn't started yet. We decided I would start my care with Dr. Ferguson and then switch over when she started. 

We were supposed to have our ultrasound the week before we actually went in but we happened to be up in Park City. Dr. Ferguson suggested we could have it the week before Park City if we wanted because we would be close to 20 weeks. We decided to wait until after. We originally scheduled it for the 31st so we could do the ultrasound in the doctor's office. After we set that up Derek realized it was going to be a crazy day at work so we decided to have the ultrasound done at the hospital. We rescheduled for the 22nd. That just so happened to be the week when Annie started. We set up an appointment right after our ultrasound to meet with her. 

Back to the ultrasound. We got to the hospital and they took us back to the ultrasound room. The tech was really nice as we chatted about past pregnancy and what not. She started the ultrasound. She wasn't saying much and then she asked, "When was your last ultrasound?" That's when we knew something was wrong. Usually with an ultrasound they look for the babies heartbeat right off. After a few more minutes. She told us she was really sorry. She couldn't find a heartbeat. She said she would call Dr. Ferguson over immediately. After what seemed like a very long time, Annie came in. 

She immediately gave us a hug and sat and cried with us. The tech did another quick ultrasound to show Annie what she saw. By the size of the baby they estimated that he had died 1-2 weeks previous. Annie then explained what our options were. We could wait until my body naturally started labor, we could induce labor, or we could go to Salt Lake to have a D&E. The D&E was not even a consideration for us. And I really didn't want to wait. We decided out best option was to go to the hospital and have them induce labor. Annie said we could come in whenever and just to let her know when we wanted to. She said if we changed our mind just to call and she would meet us at the hospital whenever. We decided to go home and come back that next morning so we could hopefully not have to spend the night in the hospital. 

On July 23rd, we arrived at the hospital a little after 8:00 am. After we checked in we walked back to Labor and Delivery. That was not a fun walk. The nurse took us back to our room and had me change. Annie came in shortly there after and explained how the day would go. They started me on a medication that dilates the cervix. She said my body was already showing signs that it was preparing for labor. She inserted the first dose at 9. Derek and I played multi-player games on my phone to try and pass the time. Annie kept coming in to make sure we were doing comfortable.  At 12:00 pm she inserted the next dose. After that she brought Derek lunch and even offered to go rent us a Redbox. We almost took her up on the offer but decided we would watch a Chuck on Netflix instead. 

I really didn't want to take any pain medication or get an epidural. After the second dose of the Cytotec the contraction/cramps were getting pretty painful so I asked the nurse for some Tylenol. She said she could get me something more powerful if I wanted. I declined. Right around 2 pm or so I started feeling terrible stabbing pains so Derek called the nurses station and the nurse and Annie came in immediately. She said the baby was descending and that is what was causing the pain. After she checked me I sat up to move and my water had broke. It was rather dark in color and a little disheartening to see. This was really happening, She said it may still be awhile...but I really hoped it wouldn't. I think she could tell I wasn't thrilled about having to wait. She said well let's have you push and she what happens. I pushed once and she said that we could get the baby here in the next little bit. They got everything out and ready.

I was dilated to around a 6. Annie sat down on the edge of the bed, I'm glad they didn't make me stick my legs in the stir-ups. This was much more comfortable. Several pushes later (probably 5 or so) Our perfect little 8 1/2 inch guy was born. They placed him on a blanket and handed to me. He had ten fingers, ten toes, he even had little fingernails and toenails. He was dark in color from being gone for a little while. His little umbilical cord right next to his body was twisted multiple times so much so that he wasn't able to receive any nutrients through it. There were also two other spots further down the cord right next to each other that had also become twisted. They are calling it a cord accident. 

We held him while we waited for the placenta to detach. They started me on pitocin to help get the placenta to detach. It was being stubborn. Annie and the nurse took some pictures of the little guy for us and answered all of our questions. They left us alone for awhile. Annie kept coming in every 20 min or so to check on the placenta. Around 4, 1 1/2 hours after we delivered the little guy,  she mentioned if it didn't come out kind of soon that we may need to do surgery. She didn't want to pull on the placenta to get it out. That can cause all sorts of problems. She started pushing on my uterus to help it contract and finally after a few more pushes the placenta came out intact. Annie showed us all the parts of the placenta and the rest of the umbilical cord. All arteries and veins of the umbilical cord were formed and all the parts of the placenta were there. 

Shortly after the placenta was delivered we decided that we were done holding him. I worried it would be hard to have them take him away, Derek and I both agreed that it truly was just his little body we were holding. His spirit was no longer there. It wasn't as hard as I imagined it would be. The SHARE group came and took him so they could take hand and feet molds (pictured below). They dressed him in a little outfit and brought him back for a bit. He had the nurse come take him shortly there after.  

Annie left to go eat some dinner and said she would come back around 8 to let us go home. They brought us dinner. We ate. They brought in some paperwork to fill out. It was weird to fill out his death certificate.  They said we could name him but we didn't have to. We hadn't decided on a name yet so we choose not to.  The death certificate will just say Baby Boy Lee, which is fitting. He is our little baby boy. 

We could have done a small funeral/burial. We choose not to. Not because we didn't want to remember him but because it seemed unnecessary. For Derek and I, it would have just drug out the pain of a sad situation. 

Around 7, Annie came back and checked on us. She said we could get ready and then go home. I changed back to my clothes and they wheeled me out and we went home. 

Things I'm grateful for:

Derek. Not sure how to put it in words. But he has been everything that I have needed through all of this. In all the craziness he was called as 2nd counselor in our bishopric and has accepted everything with a whole lot of faith. We have had many great talks this past week. 

Annie. I am so glad Annie was the one that came over to the hospital. Things would have been very different with a different doctor. Annie was more understanding and helpful than I could have hoped for. I'm sad our first time meeting wasn't for the happiest of occasions but she made a crappy situation bearable. The timing of her starting and the timing of finding out the baby had died was not coincidental. Her being my doctor was definitely one of the many tender mercies from the Lord.

Family and friends. The calls, the meals, the texts, the prayers. Everyone has been concerned and extremely caring. I have definitely felt everyone's love and it has helped immensely. 

My ward. Wednesday evening after we came home our neighbor stopped by and said that some of the ward was going to come over Thursday morning to pull some weeds. Thursday morning I looked out the window and there were SO many people out there (luckily we had a lot of weeds so everyone was busy :). I am beyond grateful. Also the meals people have been more than willing to bring us dinners. It has been nice to not have to worry about cooking.

The Lord's Plan. There are still many questions I have and many emotions to work through, but from the minute the ultrasound tech said those awful words, I have felt wrapped up in a blanket of warmth and comfort. It's not the plan I would have chosen but the Lord has made it clear that it is His plan. From a few premonitions beforehand and a few special experiences after, I know that he is making us into something more than we could imagine. 

A quote from C.S. Lewis says it well, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."